Saturday, July 25, 2015

Kepada kosong

Pada debur ombak aku bertanya
Hati siapa kah yang akan tenang, melihat sisi yang terus kosong, hanya terisi di kala ingat
Pada buih sisaan gelombang yang menyisir pasir,
Akankah ada tanda ketika saat langkahku harus dipatok pergi

Pada angin yang menyelongsong tiap helai rambutku,
Kemanakah harus aku beradu
Niat hati terus berpacu, tapi kian pedih goresan pilu
Lalu siapa harus kutodong jawab
Ketika tangis jadilah lalu

Kepada malam aku bertumpu,
Memohon usai lah semua luka
Kepada bulan yang belum lagi bulat,
Kiranya kah mau kau membawanya kembali

(for my little girl that grown up faster. Be strong!)

Monday, July 13, 2015

Dear Mom that gone

Once I was really obsessive about reaching everything I think is good. Once I was full of bullshit dreams. Once she believed that I can...

If one ever asked me, who is my truly inspiration all my life, no doubt only one person comes up. Mother of mine. She had every reason to be admired by almost everyone.

Kind hearted and young spirited, basically draw her up. She is everything I needed. If you ever wonder why I could be who I am right now, then she is the answer.

She never said no for every impossible dreams I had. She never ever said dont to every exploration I did. She never said she was disappointed by me. And she trust each story that I told even once it sounded like bulls. Cause she knew I would never hurt her with lies.

Exactly this date four years ago, she was gone forever. Phisically. Burried and stop breathing. Even at heart I always know she is close, she is still missed. For this four terribly hard years without her, only me grieving like no others would ever know.

Thursday, April 9, 2015

A newborn angel


I may sound overreacting, when my good friend was about deliver the baby to the world. I was worried a little too much. She delivered a beautiful quite big baby girl that I adore so much.

How amazing to hold the little angel with h were squirt eyes and chubby cheek. God is great. Hope I have one anytime soon.

Saturday, April 4, 2015

easter morning

Sometimes I wonder, if you ever thought that I'm worse than the past you have. I dont like to compare my self but, it is one of a measure thing for me. It hurts, when silence occured but did you get the message.

I always am complicated as a human being. None says its different. I feel and experience beyon what you can control. I manage to appear fine, for most of the time I'm struggling to fight myself. O dont think I could explain.

That costs me nothing but realization that losing you would be the deepest heartache that could possibly happens. Though I always taught and make sure to my self that I can survive on my own. I've done that for few years, I could do it more and longer.

As a person that people describe as helpless romantic I found myself that kinda annoying at times. That mixed with a stubborn one inside. Why are we trying to hurting when all we means just seeking for attention. Or dont you get it? You treat me sweetly I'll be a sugar, you mock at me, I'd be a rock, you treat me bad then I'd kill heaven for you. I know it sounds harsh, and it's not the kind of peace I usually earned in discomfort situation.

One day we will talk about it, hopefully. Otherwise silence will always win. Hobbah!

Saturday, March 14, 2015

About love

Since a kid, I always wonder, what would future brings me later? Behind all my cheerfulness I am terrified. Then love came to my life as the age added. The  future still frightens me till now. I wonder if I ever choose a person for a lifetime correctly. After all the things that happened to me, some scars I never stop to fight are still linger.

What would I be in the future with this man? Would I ever be a happy woman standing next to him?  Would I be someone that people I love would proud of?

it kills me.

Though, for the very first time in my life, I am not worried what would I ever be with this man. I still don't know if love can last forever, cause in my short experience love forgotten by time. Then, everytime I see his smile and the way he holds me everytime, I found no reason to stop loving him.

It's like finding the right partner to conquer the world. I sacrifice a lot, he does too, I can see two sides are fighting to be together and work it out. That makes me even more sure about the idea of us.

I just would like to remind myself to be a woman that religiously, spiritually, morally, civilizationly to cherish all the things would happen to us in the future.

For once and the first time, I am sure to love and to be loved.

Friday, March 13, 2015


To the wind that blows around, I would to ask you the things I haven't overcome yet.

To the sun that brightly warms the universe, I would learn something.

Thousands questions confused me, whether I do and did the right ones.

I want this feelings that eating me so slow to vanish and burst to take distance so so so far away from me.

Wonder if I really am strong enough to handle this, or am I also will tumbling as the time pass by...

To whom I may ask, to whom deliver the answers, to whom that giving me strenght, guide me.

I don't like to be defeated roughly, nor winning dirty.

Oh life...

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Toxic people on Social Media

How often you feel annoyed of someone because of their post(s) on social media? Me? Pretty rare actually. Social media has changed the behaviour of people in a blink.

I feel a strong urge to unshare / unfriend someone from my social media account because she was ranting, complaining, whining about her family matters. Too often.

I honestly feel pity about her, I do care, but every single of her post is so negative. It becomes annoying and disgusting. Well, you know family matters are personal aren't they? Do people need to know that details about your anger everyday? Toxicating!

This is one thing I really hate to death. Whatever happens to your husband, wife, brothers, in law which contains negativity is not other's business, literally.  If you can't keep it to yourself and your closest friends, share it to a wiser person. Especially if you just want to rant or whine. It drops your value as a person. Seriously! People will look down on you, they will be aware that you are so childish even not trusted. And the people you rant about, they don't feel sorry nor offended, they are DISGUSTED!

Secondly, I found an old acquaintance updating about so not important  topic she discussed with her friend without even giving value whatsoever to whom read it. Then what's the point? Wanna show off about your lifestyle? Like how many people are actually care about it? You are not inspiring nor motivating. Got that everytime you post something that kind of annoyance none of your friends share a like sign. booyah!

Girls, no matter how upset or tickles you feel about something that really none of other's business, please keep it safe out of social media. Social media is your personal brand, you gonna ruin yourself if you keep doing that. You push people away, you make people judge you beyond reality, you make people underestimate you.


Sunday, February 22, 2015


I would you to know but I have no guts to elaborate
I don't wanna feel but this tickles
I rather not knowing but I should do
You and and your footprints

I know this ain't even close to fair
Such a sore but useless
How in the world Im not  shaken
If the eyes could be blinded
Though curiosity kills

pain, just a little
None of your fault
The blame is all mine
mine... as you... like you...

ain't fair it is
Me and the prints of my path
Not even smoother nor silky
worse in someway
better also in other way
but it feels...

sounds sweet sometimes
burning however
this is ain't fun
and all is kept
silently calmly

Gong xi gong xi

Happy Chinese New Year to those who celebrate it! May this goat year brings us prosperity, endless happiness, the love of the universe and gratitude.

From the bottom of my heart and Halim's family, 2015.