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Tuesday, November 1, 2016

Tears of a mother to be

The deepest lost a woman can have is lost the baby in her womb far before she can see it cries to the world.

Saya percaya bahwa menjadi orang tua adalah karunia yang membuat hati suka cita namun gundah gulana. Sering kali saya bertanya kepada diri saya, apakah saya benar mampu menjalani hidup sebagai orang tua? Sanggupkah saya menjadi tua sebagai ibu?

Terkadang pertanyaan nyinyir soal masa depan itu terasa bagai teror dari mafia-mafia keji yang bikin gelisah. Yang bisa saya lakukan hanya menghalau jauh-jauh pikiran gila itu. Toh pada kenyataannya menjadi seorang ibu adalah hal terindah yang pernah saya rasakan. Saya mengerti kenapa almarhumah mama saya begitu kuat demi menghidupi kami anaknya. I love you, ma, always and forever.

Namun malam ini saya hadir dengan getir hati yang sampai detik tulisan ini di publikasi, saya belum tahu bagaimana harus menyikapinya. Saya tertawa, mungkin orang akan berpikir saya tidak berperasaan, justru sesungguhnya tawa adalah cara saya menangis yang saya tidak tahu bagaimana mengekspresikannya.

Sahabat saya sejak masih di bangku Sekolah Dasar yang bulan September lalu resmi menikah, mengabari saya kalau dirinya keguguran. Tangisnya yang tak kunjung surut lewat telepon tadi, seperti menampar saya, mengiris hati lalu meleburnya bagai tepung terigu. Saya diam. Bingung. Saya hanya bisa berkata, "sabar, ikhlaskan ya." Meski saya tahu itu hal tersulit untuk dilakukan saat ini baginya.

Kehamilannya sangat berarti bagi saya, karena sejak awal saya yang menyuport dan menyertai perjuangan mereka. Saya selalu berdoa kehamilannya akan mulus dan menggembirakan. Namun realita belum berpihak pada bayangan kami. Sejak garis kedua samar samar hadir di testpack, dede (Astri; sahabat saya tersebut) sudah merasakan berbagai gejolak. Mulai dari pusing-pusing, sakit perut hingga melilit, dan pada akhirnya pendarahan ringan belakangan ini.

Pukulan berat ketika dokter mengabarkan bahwa bayinya sudah tidak ada. Meskipun sesungguhnya kesempatan untuk hamil lagi masihlah besar, kehilangan bayi yang belum matang tersebut sangatlah memilukan. Saya masih tidak bisa memosisikan diri saya dalam situasi dede. Dia dipaksa keadaan untuk menjadi tegar dan ikhlas. Berat sekali cobaannya.

Tapi saya percaya hal berat adalah ujian yang ditujukan untuk mempersiapkan dede dan suami agar kelak sang baby bertahan hingga bisa digendong nyata, mereka sudah mampu menjadi orang tua yang hakiki.

Bantu saya, beri saya cara agar bisa menghibur sahabat terkasih saya ini. Hatinya hancur, begitu pun saya. Kami terpukul dan sedih, namun saya ingin sekali mereka segera kembali bangkit dan tangis itu terganti senyum segera.

Ya Allah Maha segala-galanya, bantulah dede dan suami agar tabah, ikhlas dan kuat. Anugerahilah mereka bayi sehat bagi mereka setelah ini. Amin.

Tuesday, May 17, 2016

Friendship now and then

How funny life could be. The only thing matter most is time. Time teach us, punish us, heal us, also test us. Then, it just about how we react and act towards it.

So, I've just had a coffee time with Gevi and Inna. Two girls that went through alot with me. My best friends. Hopefully forever. After such a drama to just made an appointment to meet. It was a lovely one! As always...

It brought us to a point to realized, how time flies without we considering it. It is quite beautiful, you know, to knowing that you have people you comfort with grow old with you, for better for worse.

It flew me to the moon, watching the silent memories movie that playing around in my head. How we used to talked, what we did, what made us happy, the arguments, upset moments, the victories, glorious time. Oh my gosh, too much things to mention.

I'm just grateful for the time I have now. Although so much unsatisfied things that push me to bring back the evil spirit again. However it just a part of memories that is the farthest from present.

Happy to have them, best friends, in my life. And inna is aproaching her due date in two months! Am excited! We would be a rock mothers gang in the future. For sure.

Sunday, May 8, 2016

#selfie

Saturday, May 7, 2016

Jakarta!

Hello everyone,
So the last 40 days I've been staying in Jakarta. At first to get the chance to travelling is amazing, but now I feel its abit too long, I kinda feel bored. However, the fun is still my middle name!

Monday, March 7, 2016

My baby K is growing amazing!

Monday, December 21, 2015

Baby K!

And as a woman, I feel complete...

Wednesday morning on 9th December, i woke up and rushed to the hospital for labor.

I delivered a beautiful and super cute baby girl name Kriollavina. She is much like me and my husband. That was the start of my new life. Im sooo happy and challenged.

Welcome to the world baby K. Mommy and daddy love you more than the world it self.

Monday, November 2, 2015

Don't follow Indonesian "idea" of wedding

As a newly wed, many friends started to asking how was it, how was the wedding went, the budget and so on. Typical Indonesian, dreaming about getting married but somehow terrified with wedding cost. It is a common matter that bothers.

As we know, Indonesian people have crazy tradition with wedding. Apart from culture ceremonies that every ethnic has, but the excessive guests should be invited. That equal with enormous amount of money that not every one that getting married has. Bullshit thing Indonesian keeps actually.

The fact is, the couple who held the wedding don't have that much friends to be invited, those invitations go to parents' friend that they don't really know, siblings' friends that they barely seen, and extended family they barely even remember whom. Hundreds to thousands of people have to be invited.

Such a weighing burden isnt it? The wedding itself can cost hundreds million rupiah for only few hours rent of the venue and food. They have to spending money that they dont have to people they dont know for a moment they do not enjoy.

I am happy that my wedding was enjoyable and beautiful. Simple. 100 invitations for family and close friends only. Well my family is already took 30% of the invitation lol.

It was so simple so hours just passed unconciously. We can spent time with all the guests. Enjoying the food, even the drinks warmed the crowd up. Need nothing more really. Money spent? Not much. Well not much also because of all friends that involved in helping us to made that happen.

So yeah, I realized now and the future wedding couples should also do realized that the life after wedding event is event more precious and harder and need more money. So stop wasting money that you dont have for bullshit. Make it exclusive with only dear ones that attend and save your years from that debt!

Oh yeah I have some thoughts going on on my mind from yesterday conversation with good fellas. Though Im not gonna share it now. So yeah, just think about it, your wedding suppose to be the best day of your journey with your spouse not the day that wrecking your future. We have to keep what necessary from Indonesia, not the silly ideas of ideal.

You would understand. 😉

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Forest Fires in Indonesia

Indonesia covered by smoke from forest fires. Many ecosystem have been destroyed for limited interest. The smoke is so thick to let people see the sun nor breath. Ironic.

As a person that not even touched by the smoke nor the fire, I supposed to be clueless how it feels to be citizen in those areas. People are bragging and ranting about it on social media more often than they educate themselves with the fact. They blame the government for not making it as a National Disaster. They blame the President of Republic Indonesia for this to happened. What a stupid thing to do, really.

It is so obvious that the cause of forest fires wasn't the president. It is done by irresponsible companies whom want to taking advantage for their own benefits. As if it becomes National Disaster then those people who responsible for this to occurred would go free without paying any penny to fix it. And the country does the responsibility. Not fair? We lost!

Then rather being stupid and complaining about it, blaming the government and president for this, and making lunatic comments about things you have no idea about, do some action! We know it all! Action speaks louder!

I really hope that you, people, stop being dumb and make a change. Push those people who burn our forest to turn in to the police and pay for the loss. Support the president to do what he has to do. Pray and apologize for what you've said and done. Help the victim even only small coins you can give. Help them!

I am concern and sad about this issue, but I refuse to be stupid and dumb.

Tuesday, October 20, 2015

Knows love

Often people were asking me the same question, "What makes you love him?" Or "How could you know when you love someone?" Or "what are the reasons you love him?"

How would I explain to people about something that eyes can't see, ears can't hear, bodies can't feel?

"What makes you love him?"
I have no idea, I guess. I had no intention nor thoughts that I would be this far. What I knew I'm hurt when he's hurt. I cry myself when he cries. I smile when I see his smile.

How could I know when I love someone? I never know, I suppose. But about him, he never leave nor I ever leave. He doesn't add any wasted drama to my days. He cares about me more than he cares about himself. He feels the pain that I feel.

What are the reasons? I even be more clueless. Why do we have a reason to just love?

I don't love someone because of money or wealth, though I would not date anyone that can not lift up to my standard. It's not because I don't accept people for who they are, but how could you guarantee that he understands what I need and make sure my Wellness when he doesn't even able to take care of himself. You couldn't love anyone well if you don't love your self as well, right?

I don't love someone because his looks. Looks have expiration date then it won't matters. Although before it reaches the expiration it could hurt. As long as I feel comfortable to stare at him and enjoy the view, that is enough.

I don't love someone because his status at work, who cares! I have dated an ordinary staff to the boss of the boss. It doesn't fulfill what I need. Then it doesn't even matter at all.

You know, when you love someone, you have to be ready. Ready to lose a part of life that you have fought for. Ready to be a new you in good or bad process that may happen. You will know that you gonna lose and win at the same moment.

You know that you love someone when you can love yourself as much as you love others.